By Jack Caffrey
Capricorn – No one appreciates your narcissism. And we get it, you’re better than everyone else at nearly everything, except wisdom. Also, it’s quite convenient that the symbol for Capricorn is a Sea Goat. You look like one.
Aquarius – You’re beauty, you’re grace, you’re… emotionally insane. Everyone around you is waiting for you to make a good decision for once in your life. However, because you’re so blissfully ignorant, people smile with you and instead only sigh at your dumpster fire of choices.
Pisces – Why you gotta be so mean? You’re so well intentioned. Why you gotta be so mean about it? Behind this spiky exterior, you’re so gooey inside. Decrease the shell, subtract the judgement, and add a buttload of reality to know that you’re rarely ever right.
Aries – You want to drive?! Go ahead and drive! The fact that you’re a control freak shows in every facet of your life. You always have to be right! You always know best! If Jesus Christ himself were here, I bet you still wouldn’t let him take the wheel.
Taurus – The only flaw you have is you’re simply too sweet. Feel free to let loose once in a while. Cut someone off in traffic. Spit on a homeless person. Do anything just short of jail time, and we’ll respect you more.
Gemini – If I had a nickel for every time a Gemini has keyed my car… I’d have ten cents. It’s not much, but it’s still weird that it happened twice.
Cancer – This one kinda speaks for itself, doesn’t it? Someone asks, “What are you?” You reply, “I’m Cancer.” Damn right you are.
Leo – Capricorn and Aries mixed into one, just happens to be in August.
Virgo – Legally, there’s very little I can say here. Instead, I’ve inserted a fun fact. Did you know the Virgo constellation is related to Demeter in Greek mythology, Goddess of the Harvest? And if you’re a Virgo, this is the part where you say, “I did know that.” But you clearly didn’t! Virgo is meant to be a symbol of modesty, but a modest Virgo must be more difficult to find than an open Ely business on Mondays.
Libra – Due to your ability to balance and provide everything for everyone, you’ll constantly feel you receive the short end of the stick. You’ll use this false sob story as a basis for your entire personality. There’s little chance you’ll come to realize that’s just how life is: not fair. Now deal with it like everyone else… and stop dying your hair weird colors…
Scorpio – You will forever be grappling with the fact that you peaked in high school. As you grow older (if you’re not already) you will always retain a sense of wasted potential. Unfortunately, you’ll probably never know that you didn’t have any to begin with.
Sagittarius – The list of famous people who fall under the Sagittarius zodiac sign is impressive. Frankly, I have no notes. In fact, marry me. Marry me now… except you, Jay-Z.