Wanted

The girl of my dreams.

Description:

A willing participant to be my girlfriend, and potential life partner. If you respond, and I like you, then that’s that. You have be to my girlfriend. No takesies-backsies.

Requirements:

Must laugh at all my jokes. They’re literally all I have.

Must be a girl. None of this werewolf behavior of “in between being a girl” or “I wasn’t a born a girl but…” or “I’m literally just a hairy dude in a tutu”. Basically, no major surprises when it comes to anything below the waist. This item is such a dealbreaker, it probably should have been listed first… Nah, we all know what’s more important.

Height Requirement: 4’10” minimum, 5’11” maximum. Casting a wide net on this one. Whether you want to be my strawberry shortcake, or my towering goddess, we’ll make it work. Midgets, dwarfs, and WNBA players, probably best you stop reading now.

Practices practically perfect hygiene. Abhors being filthy. I’m looking for the love of my life, not Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown.

Preferably brunette. Blondes, of course, will still be considered, but only if you can pass off as a brunette with a damn fine balayage. Redheads are also welcome to apply but are then subject to an additional weight requirement.

Has an artsy hobby or profession. Photography, painting, music, etc. However, you are not allowed to be better than me at any of these things.

Pro Second Amendment. When we overthrow the government in the next couple of years, I’ve got your six if you’ve got mine.

Must be smart. I’m looking for a highly intellectual woman. Not necessarily smarter than me, but smart enough to carry on a conversation. We should be able to go back and forth on all sorts of topics. Your opinions certainly don’t have to align with mine, as I’m probably going to ignore them anyway.

I would like a fit woman who likes the gym but isn’t a gym rat. I mean, you should be able to be healthy and not sacrifice your beautiful curvature. Too fit is too bad. Plus, you shouldn’t be able to squat more than I can. Look, there’s a happy medium here, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Doesn’t wear too much makeup. Frankly, you’d probably be fine not wearing any. But you should know how to do a little. A subtle amount, not too much! Just a little around the eyes. Maybe some blush work. Look, there’s a happy medium here, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

A girl that will disregard all my red flags and shortcomings, including this advertisement.

Cuddles. All the cuddles. Be prepared for hugs, kisses, and a constant hand to hold.

I want someone who makes me first feel all the butterfly feelings of a crush. Crush feelings (by themselves) are quite fun. I want the enjoyment of floating. Those tiny chemical indicators that make you stop and say, “Oh… this person…”

The moment you realize you even have a crush. When you’re in a group, and you notice the only laugh you’re after is hers. Her smile. Her gaze. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could enjoy them for even longer…

I want someone who I can call “partner”, in every sense of the word. We’ll be a team in everything we do. Someone who will be by my side, and I’ll be theirs in this weird thing called life.

I want someone who I’ll strive to be a better man for. The goal is always going to be having this person say, “I’m proud of you,” and mean it. If achieving that, there’s only three other words she could possibly say that would make me even happier. “I love you.” And mean it.

I want her. I want to spend every day attempting to make hers the best it can be. I want someone who wants these things for me. Perhaps most importantly, I want us to want them in harmony.

I want to be wanted.